


My Big Fat Fish Holiday Party

by 264feet



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, Lesbian Character, Memes, Texting, That doesn't end in a real relationship, Undyne's Family, bill clinton - Freeform, slightly ooc?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 09:11:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13268283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/264feet/pseuds/264feet
Summary: A local lesbian, Undyne, asks Papyrus to be her Fake Heterosexual Date for Mama Fish's annual non-specific holiday bash. Things go wrong. Sans is there. You may be wondering why this is tagged as Bill Clinton.





	My Big Fat Fish Holiday Party

**Author's Note:**

> I'm bringing back the concept of a crack fic in 2018. Merry late Christmas!
> 
> (Updated 3/31/18-- grammatical/consistency errors)

Papyrus’s first date came at exactly 4:08 AM, slamming its fist on the door. Sans let out a groan from the next room over and undoubtedly smothered his head with a pillow, knowing Papyrus was up. Which he was! He’d gotten his full 45 minutes and was ready to take on the world.

The slamming on the door increased in fervor. Papyrus rolled his eyesockets as he put on his slippers. “I’m on my way!” he called, which only made the knocks louder. As he descended the stairs, he saw that this bozo had knocked splinters loose from the door.

“Are you hurt? Is this an emergency for a handsome future Royal Guardsman?” he asked, opening the door. “Because it’s quite rude oth--”

He collapsed to the ground as someone punched him square in the jaw.

“OH… MY GOD?” said Undyne, her fist held to knock on the door- or the skeleton- again. She kneeled down and surveyed the damage. The actual bone was fine; it hadn’t been her full strength, thank goodness. “I’m sorry! You weren’t answering!” she said, picking up Papyrus’s skull and putting it back on his body.

“Am I late? Is there something wrong?” Papyrus checked the clock, then screwed his head back on forwards instead of backwards, as Undyne had left him. “Er… My morning training session is in an hour.”

“This couldn’t wait until then!” Undyne was shouting, sometimes darting her eyes over her shoulder. “Look, can I come in?”

Papyrus stepped aside and held out his arm to indicate she may enter, doing his best to avoid being trampled in the process. The door wobbled dangerously when he closed it again, but it seemed to hold for now.

The two sat down on the couch. “This is such big news that it couldn’t wait?” Papyrus asked.

Undyne nodded. “Yeah, it is." She seemed uncharacteristically shy.

Papyrus decided to inquire further. “Something you needed my help for…” he gasped, slamming his fist into the palm of his hand. “A human! You’ve found a human and you need my help capturing them?!”

She laughed at that, which admittedly hurt Papyrus more than the punch had. “Nice joke, man, but I’m serious here.”

“Then what could it be?”

Silence. Undyne didn’t move, as if she had turned her soul green. The clock kept ticking. Sans let out a snore that shook the house.

“Er… Undyne?” he asked. She was shaking, now, clenching her fists. He reached out to put his hand on her shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting manner.

As soon as he wasn’t a centimeter away from making contact, she burst. “NGAAAAAAAAAAAH! PAPYRUS!”

“A-AAAAH? UNDYNE?” he countered. He was definitely not sure how to handle this situation.

“MY MOM’S HAVING THIS HORRIBLE HOLIDAY PARTY LIKE SHE DOES EVERY YEAR! AND IF I GO WITHOUT A DATE AGAIN!” She grappled Papyrus. “YOU! I NEED YOU TO PRETEND TO BE HETEROSEXUAL WITH ME SO I DON’T DISAPPOINT HER AGAIN!”

It took several moments for Papyrus to process what had just been screamed at him. “I beg your pardon?”

Undyne took a shaky breath, then exhaled like she wanted to fight her own lungs. “You and me! Fake dating! For a few hours!” Her face fought itself as it tried to grin, despite the overwhelming stress. “It’s like??? A normal favor for an adult to ask another adult?”

The situation slowly set in. Undyne was asking him on a, ‘date’? But not really? Wasn’t that what two people went on when they were ‘interested’ in one another? His only experience with that had been the dating handbook he checked out from the library and the way Flowey had described it: _“It’s totally nasty,”_ he had said, sticking his tongue out to retch. _“They get SUPER lovey-dovey and hold hands and rub their noses together and stuff.”_

Papyrus put his hand to his nose socket self-consciously. He was lacking already! The dating handbook didn’t even say anything about this-- Flowey truly knew everything.

“Er…” Papyrus realized he had been staring, and Undyne was now vibrating in a manner dangerously similar to a bomb about to explode. Why not, he thought to himself? Undyne was a friend, and this might give him some ‘dating experience’ for when he became a real guardsman and everyone loved him. “I don’t see why not--”

But before he finished his sentence, Flowey’s voice butted into his mind again. _“Gee, you’re gonna do it for free? Like a chump?”_ he had once said, watching Papyrus happily carrying a dozen heavy bags full of ‘groceries’ from the Snowdin general store to Undyne’s house. _“No wonder you don’t get anywhere in life!”_

He made a mental note to thank Flowey later. It was true! Undyne wasn’t just his friend, she was his boss. Pretending to be heterosexual would be a strain, after all. “-- but what can I get in return?” Papyrus added on, quickly.

“What?” Undyne said, as if surprised.

“You know. Pay Mint?” he said. He didn’t like mints, but Flowey had rolled his eyes and said it’s a ‘figure of speech’.

“Payment? For helping a friend out?” Undyne said. “That’s not very Guardsman-like of you, Papyrus!”

“Respectfully,” he started, “I’ve been doing quite a bit of ‘helping a friend out’ in the context in which the friend in question is you!” As he spoke, he started to count on his fingers. “Such as the time I carried those ‘groceries’ from the shop to your house for a week but they were just full of rocks--”

Undyne squinted. “For the last time! Don’t ask what a lady does with her rocks!”

“-- or the time I had to polish your armor by hand, alone, because you forgot you had a meeting with King Asgore and you were hanging out at the lab for some reason…” He raised a brow as Undyne’s scales turned a little redder. “Say, why aren’t you asking Dr. Alphys for this? Isn’t she your friend?”

“Uh, duh?” Undyne said. “Mama Fish doesn’t want me to bring a girl home? It’s gotta be a HETEROSEXUAL date, and Alphys is a chick!”

Papyrus sat there in astonishment. “Okay, so Point A, you call her ‘mama fish’?”

“It’s an affectionate name???”

“Point B--” he squinted. “Isn’t Dr. Alphys a lizard, not a ‘chick’?”

Undyne groaned. “Look, at this rate, the party’s gonna be over before I even go. Look. I don’t know a lot of dudes,” she said. “Who else would I ask? Sans? He’d show up dressed like a slob and squirt ketchup on everything!”

“Yes, good point,” Papyrus conceded.

“Or Asgore? I can’t fake a date with the King of the Underground! Or Mettaton? I can’t even afford to listen to that guy’s voicemail! Or…. Aaron???” She shuddered. “That’s too horrible to think about!”

Papyrus shuddered as well. “So… what you’re saying is that I wasn’t your first choice, but your only option.”

“You were like, my first pick out of my only choice!” Undyne said, scrambling. “I mean… look at you! You’re put-together!”

“I do have all my bones,” Papyrus muttered. He would have to find Sans’s missing pinky toe eventually.

“And you’re smart! Like, you built all these puzzles by hand with just tools in a shed? All I can do is throw rocks in a waterfall!”

“Is that what a ‘lady uses her rocks for’?” Papyrus asked.

“Oh my god??? Just shut up and let me flatter you?” she said, grinding her teeth. “If I EVER- and I mean in a million, billion years- EVER had to pick a man to be my heterosexual, non-gay date, it would be you! So please!”

Undyne did seem to be out of options. Now he felt cruel for asking for payment. It was true that Undyne needed a lot of favors, but he remembered why he didn’t feel bad doing any of them.

She had called him her friend.

“Okay!” he said, jumping to his feet and striking a pose. “I accept your fake heterosexual date offer, Undyne!”

“YES!” she shouted. “Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I promise that the next training tasks will be REALLY GAY to make up for this!”

“Could we make the training dummies kiss?” Papyrus asked, excited.

“What? No,” Undyne said soberly. “They’re aro/ace. Get your head on straight, Papyrus.”

“Oh. Nevermind.”

“We’ll make the ATTACKS KISS!!!!!!!!”

“YEAH!” Papyrus shouted. “I’ll go prepare some gay bone attacks as we speak!”

“Uh, you should probably prepare some date clothes instead,” she muttered, dropping her volume dramatically again.

“No need! Check these out!” he said, practically flying up the stairs. When he returned, he had brought out his very special Date Clothes. “Be amazed by the impressive dating power of this outfit!”

“I mean, uh, more like… a suit,” she said.

“Oh,” Papyrus said, a little down. “Could I at least wear the hat?”

“No, no. It’s gotta be a legit tux, with a bowtie and everything,” she said.

He winced. All his clothes were specifically tailored to his bones. Clothes for monsters with ‘flesh’ and ‘blood’ not only never fit him right, but they rubbed him completely the wrong way. “I’ll have to procure the necessary materials and craft myself a ‘tux’,” he said. “I’m sure I could find some clothing at the dump to take apart… maybe the store here has some fabric…”

“Yeah, about that,” she said. “The party is… er… tonight?”

The two just looked at one another, frozen in the moment.

“TONIGHT?!” Papyrus burst. “ARE YOU INSANE?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE READY TONIGHT?!”

“JUST FIGURE SOMETHING OUT?!” Undyne shouted back. “THERE’S A TUX STORE IN NEW HOME?”

Papyrus’s skull fell clean off his head and bounced like a basketball on the ground. New Home. He would have to spend the entire day walking there and back, leaving him no time to practice in the mirror all the Fancy Evening Dinner lines he had been saving, like, “pass the hors d'oeuvres.” Even Flowey wasn’t sure if it was pronounced like ‘horse divorce’ or not, and it seemed like too much of a sensitive topic to ask Aaron, since he’s part-horse?

“Okay,” Papyrus said, as he picked up his head. “Alright. I can do this. The Great Papyrus can do this!”

“We can do this! We can pretend to be heterosexual for one night!”

“Yes! My impeccable theatrical training has prepared me for this!” he said. “Listen to this one: ‘I love foot balls and not respecting women.’”

“Absolutely indistinguishable!” Undyne said, clapping her hands. “Now go get that tux!”

“Nyeh heh heh!” Papyrus said, grabbing his personal belongings and running out of the house. He peeked back in after a moment. “‘Dude’,” he said, in a slightly deeper voice ruined by his stifled giggle.

Undyne stood alone in Papyrus’s living room and let out a sigh she had been holding. This was absolutely not going to end well.

\---

Strongfish91: you’re never gonna believe this  
Strongfish91: alphys  
Strongfish91: it’s already noon you NERD wake up  
ALPHYS: (눈_눈)  
Strongfish91: DONT MAKE THAT FACE AT ME??? IT’S BEEN A LONG DAY???  
ALPHYS: i thought it was only noon (-∀-)  
Strongfish91: fkjslfjsfla;sjj  
ALPHYS: sorry i was up all night doing important research  
Strongfish91: oh again?  
ALPHYS: yeah i had no choice but to pull an all nighter as usual……….  
Strongfish91: ANYWAY  
Strongfish91: so you know what time of year it is right  
ALPHYS: yeah asgore already called me 3 times yesterday and just said “ho ho ho” and hung up lol  
ALPHYS: like… you have caller id…. I know its not santa  
Strongfish91: oh my god??? that’s so asgore?  
ALPHYS: peak asgore is when he wears the fake white beard over his real beard  
Strongfish91: ANYWAY  
Strongfish91: mama fish’s holiday party is tonight  
ALPHYS: ohhhh yikes (ﾟДﾟ；∬  
ALPHYS: wanna come watch anime and we’re each wrapped up in blankets so we feel like moldsmal  
ALPHYS: moldsmals probably dont have holiday parties  
Strongfish91: NO… I MEAN NORMALLY YEAH BUT… YOU’RE NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT HAPPENED  
ALPHYS: what happened?????  
Strongfish91: well…… mama fish wants me to have a date who will become my husband who i’ll eventually have a ZILLION fish babies with?? but i’d rather die  
ALPHYS: ohhhh thats not good  
Strongfish91: I KNOW  
ALPHYS: at least my family never asks me questions my aunt just lives in that library in snowdin lol  
Strongfish91: god i wish that were me  
Strongfish91: no… i couldnt let her down by showing up w/o a date again or she would try to match me up with someone… last year it was woshua  
ALPHYS: KFSJKLDFJLjkldjsksjlfj  
ALPHYS: omg  
ALPHYS: “a good clean date!!!!”  
Strongfish91: NO KIDDING!!! THE WHOLE DATE THEY JUST ATE SOAP?????  
ALPHYS: ( ՞ਊ՞)  
ALPHYS: im sorry i still cant stop laughingsdlkjfd  
ALPHYS: no but what happened?  
Strongfish91: OKAY  
Strongfish91: I ASKED PAPYRUS TO BE MY FAKE DATE  
Strongfish91: JUST FOR THE NIGHT  
ALPHYS: ohohoho i didnt know you liked em…. BONY….  
Strongfish91: UGGGHHHH its a FAKE DATE  
ALPHYS: are u sure?? ur not harboring hidden feelings? >:3c  
Strongfish91: THAT’S THE EVIL FACE! THAT FACE FULL OF MISCHIEF HAUNTS ME!  
ALPHYS: “oh papyrus! I know it was a fake date but my burning passion is real! Hold me in your bony arms and let me kiss your… lips?”  
Strongfish91: STOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP WITH THE FAN FICTION CRAP I’M BARFING  
Strongfish91: HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW HE’S A SKELETON?? I NEVER TALK MUCH ABOUT HIM  
ALPHYS: LOL  
ALPHYS: we’re mutuals on undernet (￣ω￣) he’s coolskeleton95  
ALPHYS: we met in the my little boney fandom but he’s not into it anymore cuz of royal guard stuff  
Strongfish91: sorry i stole your NERD boyfriend you can have him back after 2nite  
ALPHYS: lol no sorry… i already have my eye on someone else  
Strongfish91: really???????????????????? who???????????????????????????????????  
ALPHYS: uMMmmmMMmm  
ALPHYS: its a secret??????????????????????????  
Strongfish91: LAME!!!!!!!!!!

Undyne had to put her phone down as she heard familiar footsteps running her way. She quickly texted a ‘g2g’ to Alphys as Papyrus hobbled into sight. He wore the tuxedo as if he were shrink-wrapped chicken wings. Every movement looked like a unique torture.

“I made it as fast as I could!” he said. “The Riverperson only took me as far as Hotland, so I had to go through that mess there AND back!”

“Papyrus… the party isn’t until tonight. You don’t have to wear that yet,” Undyne said.

“Too late!” Papyrus said. “Once I take this garment off, I am NEVER putting it on again!”

“Okay,” Undyne said. This was fine. She and Papyrus could pretend to be straight for one night. “Today’s training! Acting like a couple!”

“Right!” Papyrus said, producing a handbook from his pocket. “Step 1: Press the [C] key on your keyboard for the Dating HUD.”

“What the heck does that mean?”

He squinted at the book. “I… am not sure yet.”

“Nggggaah! Let’s skip to the next step, then!”

“Step two: ask them on a date,” Papyrus read. He looked up at Undyne, who at this point was glaring at him in frustration. “Undyne, would you like to attend your awkward holiday party with me and pretend to be heterosexual?”

The sentence had barely finished leaving his mouth before he found the guide speared on the cave wall. “I ASKED YOU OUT FIRST!” she shouted.

“Do you think the library will fine me for that?”

“FOCUS, PAPYRUS!” She grabbed him by the shoulders. “MY REPUTATION IS ON THE LINE!”

“UNDYNE!”

“PAPYRUS!”

“MY DATE!”

“MY COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL LONGTERM PARTNER!”

“I LOVE THAT YOU HAVE… EYES!”

Undyne let him go and dragged her fingers down her face.

“I mean… eye?” Papyrus corrected, but it was too late. Undyne already knew she was doomed.  
\---

After multiple failed attempts to compliment one another in a way that could be interpreted as flirty even by a great Heterosexual Lens, the two disbanded for a short break. Undyne wasn’t the type to take breaks in training, but according to her, she had to go “be gay again for 15 minutes.”

Papyrus wasn’t sure where that left him. In all honesty, he had never had romantic feelings toward anyone. He did “like” a lot of people! But just ‘like’, never anything more. Besides! He wasn’t ready to date. He wasn’t good enough yet. He was sure that, when he became a famous guardsman, some swooning girl or guy or neither would ask him on a “date” and then he would deserve it!

“Pacing? That’s not the Great Papyrus I know.”

A familiar voice snapped him from his thoughts. He lowered his gaze and saw a familiar friend swaying on his stem. “Flowery!” he said. “Am I ever glad to see you!”

“It’s ‘Flowey’,” he said, chuckling. “Say, nice tux! Looking sharp!”

“I feel very ‘sharp’! Like I might accidentally poke someone’s eyes out!” he said. The suit really didn’t cling to his bones well.

Usually, Papyrus would sit down next to Flowey, but this time he looked like he couldn’t even bend down. Not to mention that, if he got the tux dirty, they’d yell at him! And charge him money, too, but mostly he didn’t want to hurt anyone.

Flowey, sensing his discomfort, swept off a nearby rock Conveniently Shaped Like a Chair. “Better?”

Papyrus took a much-needed sit-down. “Usually, I don’t need to rest, being my great self.”

“Of course!”

“... But, something about this doesn’t feel right.” He cupped his chin in his hands. “Can I pretend to not be my great self? Am I wrong for not wanting to be romantic toward anyone?” he asked. “As many things as I’m great at, Undyne’s upset with me for not even being able to perform a convincing flirt.”

“The solution is simple!” Flowey said. He gave Papyrus a trademark wink. “You didn’t become great at your attacks overnight, didja?” He said. “You practice a few hours a day in that clearing near your house, right?”

“Well, I--”

“Exactly! Not that I’ve been watching you practice or anything, only a stalker would do that,” Flowey said. “The point is that flirting is a skill, just like fighting! You need to practice it!”

“Wowie! Flowery, you’re so smart!” Papyrus said. His friends knew everything! “But how do I practice without feeling anything for anyone?”

“Oh, buddy, you came to the right flower about that,” he said, and for a moment a blank look flashed before Flowey’s eyes, and Papyrus couldn’t help but wonder if some type long and traumatic backstory was playing in his head. Meanwhile, Papyrus had the Mettaton theme song stuck in his head again. “Anyway!” Flowey said, once he was done with his internal monologue. “Just practice some cool-sounding lines! You don’t gotta ACTUALLY feel anything! After all, this is a fake date to impress some old Mama Fish, right?”

“Wow! You knew that, too?” Papyrus said.

“Yeah!” Flowey said. “And don’t tell anyone who asks that I know so much!”

“Absolutely! I tell everyone I know that Flowery doesn’t know anything!”

The flower coughed. “Anyway, here’s a good pickup line.” He cleared his throat and performed a flawless imitation of Mettaton. “Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I need to walk by again?”

“What does walking by have to do with love at first sight?” Papyrus asked. He liked the impression, at least.

“Don’t worry about it, champ! Just repeat it after me!” Flowey said.

Papyrus nodded. He made a sound like he was clearing his throat, which was odd, because he didn’t have one. “Do you believe in sight at first walk, or do I need to love by again?”

“No, no, no!” Flowey said. He started going on a long tangent about the nature of acting and how to pretend to care, but Papyrus got distracted because he wasn’t sure if Flowey had a throat to clear, either.

“Okay! Flirting! Flawless Papyrus attempt #2!” Papyrus said. He stood up from his Chair-Shaped Rock and walked away, then walked up to Flowey. “Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I need to walk by again?”

“Great job! Now you--”

But Flowey stopped speaking when Papyrus walked away and then walked back up, looking at Flowey expectantly, then started to repeat the process.

“So when do they believe in love at first sight?” Papyrus asked.

“UGGGGHHHH!” Flowey threw a vine in the air in exasperation. “You don’t ACTUALLY have to walk past again! It’s just part of the expression!”

“Why would I offer to walk by again if I don’t intend to? Isn’t that a lie?”

“You’re lying to begin with! You don’t have romantic feelings, you nincompoop!” Flowey shouted. His once-friendly smile bore fangs, his eyes two burning husks of coal. He seemed to catch himself and sprouted cute eyelashes and blushy cheeks, putting on a tight smile. “Hee hee. It’s okay. Sorry about that outburst.”

Papyrus kept walking back and forth toward Flowey, not trying to continue the flirt, but rather pacing again. He was hopeless and he knew it. “I can’t disappoint Undyne or I’ll never make it into the Royal Guard… but some things are even beyond the Great Papyrus,” he said. “What if these monsters ask if she has a ‘bun in the oven’?” He gave Flowey a grave look, then whispered: “I only know how to cook pasta.”

Flowey looked all at once like he was trying not to explode from laughter or exasperation or both. “Wellllll….” he said. Suddenly, his expression settled into something that would give the Grinch a run for his money. “What if you didn’t actually need to say anything?”

“Huh?” Papyrus asked. “I do know sign language, but--”

“No, no!” Flowey said. “Bring me with you!”

“I already have a ‘date’,” Papyrus said.

“NO!!!” Flowey screamed, with enough pent-up rage to shatter the Barrier, then assumed the Happy Face again. “Hee hee. Silly. I mean in secret. That way, I can whisper to you exactly what to say.”

He gasped. “Flowery! That’s brilliant!” Papyrus said, slamming his fist down in the palm of his hand. However, guilt wracked his mind the way pain wracked his hand again. “But… isn’t that… cheating?”

“Nope!” Flowey said. “Seriously, big guy, don’t worry--”

“But it won’t be me saying it! I’ll be deceiving them, won’t I?” Papyrus said.

Flowey wrapped a vine around Papyrus’s shoulder in a friendly way. “You know, Papyrus, the world isn’t fair. There are rules you can’t follow… games you can’t win… in a world like that, why not change the game a little bit?”

Papyrus couldn’t help but feel like, as he looked into Flowey’s soulless black eyes, he was making a deal with the devil. Amazing dating prowess in exchange for his voice. But, he shamed himself for doubting a friend like that.

“Well…” He hesitated. “How will you stay hidden if you’ll whisper things to me?”

“Easy! Your tux is missing one element!”

Before Papyrus could say a word, Flowey had burrowed closer and hopped out of the ground. He scrambled up into Papyrus’s coat pocket, leaving his head sticking out. “A corsage!” Flowey said.

“Wowie!!!!” Papyrus said. He felt the doubt clearing up. Flowery was so smart. “I can see absolutely nothing going wrong with this plan!”

“Me, neither!”

\---

With every key that Undyne slammed on the piano, the dress draped across the top shimmered in a new awful way.

It was the same one she wore every year, namely because it was the only dress she owned. The fact that Asgore had chosen it for her was the only thing that stopped her from slicing it to shreds. That and the fact that she would never be able to clean up all the glitter and sequins if she so much as touched it the wrong way.

She hated dresses. The flowiness. The sparkliness.

Alphys would look good in a dress. She only wore that dreary old lab coat, she was so nose deep in research all the time. Undyne leaned back on the bench and imagined her wearing a dress that showed a little of her legs, hugging her figure--

Undyne slammed her face down on the piano keys. She was too gay for this. And, deep down, she knew that Papyrus couldn’t do this. It hurt to look at his eager face as he tried to pretend to be her boyfriend, both because she knew she was taking advantage of his kind nature and because he wanted more than anything to have her admit him to the Guard. But she couldn’t, not even with this personal favor, but she knew Papyrus would just forgive her and try harder the next day and she was slamming her head into the piano now, belting out an awful melody of agony.

It was easy enough to not see her family; she wasn’t sure if they had noticed she was gone yet. They were probably still wading around in some puddle, or in that aquarium that Onionsan always waxed poetic about. When she became Captain of the Royal Guard, she had made the mistake of looking to Mama Fish for approval- or even recognition- for the last time. After that, all she needed was the strength of her fists.

Maybe she should call the whole thing off. Send Papyrus back to the tux shop. Suplex the piano again. She was a god damned adult. She didn’t have to be scared of her mom! She could just not go to the party if she wanted to!

But that sounded like surrender.

She squinted her eyes at a crack in the far wall, as if scoping out an invisible target. “You want straight? I’ll give you straight,” she hissed to nobody in particular. She just had to be at least half as dopey-eyed as Asgore got over this ex he kept talking about. “I’ll be the straightest one at that party!”

Suddenly, she’d had enough of fighting the ivories and slammed the piano shut. She fished her cell phone out of her pocket even though she knew Papyrus must be waiting. He’d sat outside her door all night before, so he could wait another few minutes.

One of the last messages that Alphys sent her was still on the screen of their chat. [ALPHYS: lol no sorry… i already have my eye on someone else.] Undyne read it over and over again until her eye hurt.

Of course Alphys was probably straight. She was brilliant and gorgeous. Even though Asgore didn’t have a Royal Scientist for like forever, he still hired her. She had invented a robot with a soul. Undyne didn’t know it was possible for a robot to be a twink, but she had been proven wrong yet again by Alphys’s genius!

Strongfish91: idk if i can do this!!!!!

Almost as soon as she sent the message, she had a reply. It awed Undyne that Alphys could always be there for her, even though she worked all day on human research!

ALPHYS: why not???  
Strongfish91: i hate PRETENDING TO BE someone im NOT  
Strongfish91: unless its ANIME CHARACTERS bc thats cool  
ALPHYS: （´＿｀）at least its only for one night  
Strongfish91: one STUPID night  
ALPHYS: im worried about you. this doesnt sound like you  
ALPHYS: the undyne i know can do anything!!!

Undyne’s heart skipped a beat. It was in this stupor that she sent a message she would regret.

Strongfish91: its just.. My family……. And having to go with a guy  
ALPHYS: whats wrong with going with a guy?  
Strongfish91: NOTHING  
Strongfish91: nothing’s WRONG with going with a GUY lol im not GAY or anything  
Strongfish91: i just would rather go ALONE by my very straight self  
ALPHYS: Oh…. ok…  
Strongfish91: so since you know im TOTALLY not into you we can still be FRIENDs riGhT??????????  
ALPHYS: uhh brb human research  
[ALPHYS is idle.]

Undyne laid down on the floor, placed her face flat on the ground, and screamed. How could she be so oblivious?! How could she say she wasn’t into Alphys at all?! Alphys was PROBABLY at least a little gay, right!? She liked anime, which made you at least 1% gay by default!

Whatever. It didn’t matter now. It wasn’t like anything was going to go climatically wrong with the plan and force her to come out or anything. Papyrus was a sharp, reliable friend and absolutely wouldn’t do or bring anything that would put Mama Fish in danger. She chuckled. In fact, that doof was probably going to bring her a flower!

\---

Things were Going Wrong with the plan from the get go.

Papyrus thought he probably should have asked where in Waterfall this party was going to be held. Considering that everyone involved would be a fish, he started to think he should’ve asked if it would be underwater as soon as Riverperson’s boat went straight down.

He didn’t need to breathe air, per se, and neither did Undyne (and Riverperson was questionable), but Flowey did-- and he couldn’t ask any of these aquatic people to surface again so his flower could breathe. Undyne already thought he was too loopy for the guard.

Fortunately, they reached a house with oxygen before Flowey started to reach critical mass. It looked like if Undyne’s house had a mom, and then that mom had a mom, and all those houses were swimming one day and saw a big-ass house. Flowey gasped for air as soon as they reached the entry corridor.

“Did your flower… gasp?” Undyne asked.

“It’s... a Babylonian Breathing Flower!” Papyrus said.

“It looks like a golden flower from Asgore’s garden to me,” she muttered. Somehow, Flowey had miraculously hidden his entire face, leaving him looking like a normal flower. She dropped the subject without pressing more. “Okay, look, my whole extended family is in there, and all the family friends and their friends and probably all of New Home actually. Mama Fish may have a lot of guests, but she watches all of them like an osprey. If we slip up, we’re both dead meat.”

Papyrus only saw his friend look this serious when she returned from meeting with Asgore about the human souls. He had to make this work-- not just to prove he could be a capable guardsman, but to prove he was a competent friend. He found himself filled with determination.

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” he said. His voice, somehow, had developed a sexy purr. “Or do I need to walk past again?”

“That’s… wow,” Undyne said. She tugged at the collar of her dress, which fit her like duct tape on a cat. “Looks like we have a shot at this, huh?”

Papyrus held out a hand. “Fake heterosexual girlfriend?”

She gave a full toothy grin, the last he’d see of the night before she put on her polite cute smile. “Fake heterosexual boyfriend.”

\---

Papyrus had never seen a chandelier in his life, except for the time Sans swallowed a nightlight and got caught in the ceiling fan, and he wasn’t sure that counted.

They cast a golden glow over the great entryway, at the center of which were numerous ice sculptures on a giant buffet. Unfortunately, there was no real food: just tiny finger foods that everyone called ‘orderbs’ but spelled as ‘horse divorce’.

Papyrus had to shield his eyes against the brightness house’s walls, which seemed to be made entirely of glitter and gemstones. The only breaks were for mounted weapons and pictures of a family so large that you couldn’t even make out the individual faces.

It shocked Papyrus he never knew that a family could be this big. For him, family was a snoring brother and multiple empty bags of potato chips. For Undyne, it was a room packed so tight that they might as well have been sealed in a tin can and sold as sardines. In an environment in which some of the family members said they didn’t even have names, because their mom didn’t have time to give one to everybody, it was no wonder to Papyrus that Undyne had worked so hard to prove herself.

Fortunately, Flowey kept his promise, either telling Papyrus exactly what to say or just speaking for him. It became a practiced routine: someone would shake his hand, scales rubbing the bones, and Flowey would say in a perfect Papyrus pitch: “HELLO. I AM PAPYRUS THE SKELETON, UNDYNE’S SUAVE AND SENSITIVE LOVER. I AM A LOCAL CELEBRITY AND I INVENTED SNOW.”

At one point, Papyrus had to protest: “Flowey, I didn’t invent snow!”

Flowey did the flower equivalent of shrug. “Do you think these idiots know what snow is? Do you want me to tell them you can’t get into the guard when the Captain is supposed to be your girlfriend?”

So for today, he was the inventor of snow.

Undyne had been taken by the crowd like undertow. She seemed like a complete caricature of herself, smiling and nodding and not beating up anybody, not to mention wearing a dress, which she once told Papyrus was an acronym for ‘dumb ridiculous evil stupid stinker’. Papyrus had asked why he couldn’t wear the dress and she wear the suit, and she sighed and said Mama Fish is ‘old fashioned’, and Papyrus asked “like the fried chicken recipe?”, and Undyne said yeah.

Papyrus had met relatives on a level that he didn’t think were even possible, and family friends so distant that he questioned the meaning of the word ‘friend’, and at one point he thought he eyed Aaron but fortunately he was busy getting tackled by 10 other buff fish people. The only person he didn’t see was this ‘Mama Fish’ herself.

He found himself growing more and more disgusted by how _fake_ that these family members could be. In a rare moment in which he had time to stop and speak with someone at length rather than being passed around between introductions, they asked Papyrus what it was that Undyne did, and he said she was Captain of the Royal Guard-- and by the end of the night, that person was telling everyone like it was their idea. Like it was a secret joke.

Undyne. The ‘runt of the litter’, they said. Asgore must be slipping! How funny!

“She’s actually quite a great and strong captain!” Papyrus found himself saying.

The other fish monsters eyed him like he were a schoolboy standing up for his puppy love crush in the playground. “Ah, but you have to say that, don’t you?” said a male fish monster. “About the old ‘ball and chain’?”

“No I don’t,” Papyrus said. “She’s my best friend and my girlfriend and I think she’s great.”

“How sweet,” said an older fish monster, “the honeymoon phase.”

Laughter erupted, and Papyrus felt heat on his cheeks and shame in his chest.

“You can be honest with the boys, eh Paps?” said one of the male monsters, elbowing Papyrus harder than normal, using a nickname he hadn’t earned. “I bet you wish you were Captain of the Guard instead of the inventor of snow, huh?”

In a moment that disgusted himself, Papyrus hesitated. “I--”

“I can’t imagine having my girlfriend being that powerful!” said another monster. “I take enough orders from that shrew at home!”

Laughter erupted again, and Papyrus felt as suffocated as he would at the bottom of the ocean.

“Come on,” he hissed, bowing his head, tears stinging his eyes. “Let’s go to another room--”

But horror quickly replaced his anger as he realized Flowey was gone.

\---

Coolskeleton95: SANS  
Coolskeleton95: SANS IT’S URGENT  
Coolskeleton95: SANS!!!!!!!!!  
Unregistered_user: Thank you for subscribing to YourBill, the hourly Bill Clinton texting service. You are currently using our ‘I Bill Always Love You’ package for 500g/mo. To unsubscribe, please text STOPBILL.  
Coolskeleton95: WHAT  
Coolskeleton95: NO!!!!!  
Unregistered_user: Sorry, we did not recognize your command. To upgrade to our ‘You Turn me Clint-On’ package, please text MOREBILL.  
Unregistered_user:  
  
Coolskeleton95: STOPBILL  
Unregistered_user: Thank you for upgrading to our ‘You Turn me Clint-On’ package for an additional 700g/mo! To unsubscribe, please text STOPBILL.  
Unregistered_user: 

  
Coolskeleton95: STOPBILL  
Coolskeleton95: WAIT A MINUTE  
Coolskeleton95: SANS I KNOW THIS IS YOU  
Coolskeleton95: NOBODY ELSE ON THE UNDERNET IS LAZY ENOUGH TO NOT EVEN FINISH THEIR PROFILE AND CREATE A USERNAME  
Unregistered_user: Sorry, we didn’t understand your command. Thank you for subscribing to YourBill, the hourly Bill Clinton texting service.  
Coolskeleton95: SANS UNDERTALE!  
Unregistered_user: hey you dont have to invoke my embarrassing middle name  
Coolskeleton95: THIS IS AN EMERGENCY  
Unregistered_user: one that can’t be solved with bill clinton?  
Coolskeleton95: WHAT THE HELL IS A BILL CLINTON  
Unregistered_user: the god-king of humanity  
Coolskeleton95: WELL UNLESS HE KNOWS HOW TO BE SUAVE AND SEDUCTIVE HE CANT HELP ME  
Unregistered_user: yeah this sounds like a bill clinton kind of problem  
Coolskeleton95: LISTEN  
Coolskeleton95: IM AT UNDYNE’S MOM’S NON-SPECIFIC HOLIDAY PARTY  
Coolskeleton95: AND MY FRIEND IS HELPING ME MAKE SMALL TALK  
Unregistered_user: what are they in your pocket?  
Coolskeleton95: YES HE WAS BUT HE’S GONE!!! AND I CAN’T FIND HIM ANYWHERE  
Unregistered_user: uh oh  
Coolskeleton95: BUT SOON THEY’RE GOING TO SERVE DINNER AND THEY WANT ME TO MAKE A ‘TOAST’?  
Coolskeleton95: I ONLY KNOW HOW TO COOK SPAGHETTI  
Unregistered_user: sounds like you cant just loaf around anymore  
Coolskeleton95: YES I KNOW  
Coolskeleton95: WAIT A MINUTE  
Coolskeleton95: WAS THAT A PUN  
Unregistered_user: it was kind of a poor one  
Unregistered_user: not enough dough for the upper crust that you’re with  
Coolskeleton95: SANS I CAN ONLY HIDE UNDER A TABLE SO LONG BEFORE THEY START LOOKING FOR ME. HOW DO I MAKE A TOAST  
Unregistered_user: chillax i can write you a speech  
Coolskeleton95: I NEED A TOAST NOT A SPEECH!!! DO YOU HAVE A RECIPE?  
Unregistered_user: yeah. it starts with ‘dear friends and family, thank you all for gathering here at this honored event’  
Coolskeleton95: YOU BETTER START TEXTING THE REST BECAUSE I NEED TO HAVE IT MEMORIZED IN THE NEXT FEW SECONDS  
Unregistered_user: even better, i’ll write you little notecards and stuff  
Coolskeleton95: HOW WILL I GET THEM???? IM AT THE PARTY  
Unregistered_user: cool. im standing right next to your table

Papyrus looked up from his phone. He slowly peeked out from underneath the tablecloth to see Sans, dressed in a suit that looked like it was made out of the carpet of a bowling alley.

“Saaaaannnnss,” Papyrus whined.

A moment passed. Sans helped his brother stand up. They looked one another in the eyesocket.

“Thank you for subscribing to YourBill, the hourly Bill Clinton texting service,” Sans said.

“I don’t have the strength to keep going,” Papyrus said. “Everyone here is so mean and they don’t respect women at all.”

“Hey, that’s not the Great Papyrus that I know,” Sans said. “Once you become famous too, you’re gonna have to go to loads of parties like this.”

“Only nice people are allowed at my party. There will be a bouncer.”

“Sounds good.”

“And there will be a code to get in,” Papyrus continued. “And you know what the code will be?”

“What?”

“It will be ‘I respect women. And men. And the others. And Papyrus.’” Papyrus said, an indignant tone in his voice. “And the other code will be ‘chicken nuggets’.”

“I like it.”

Out of his pocket, Sans produced several notecards. “I took the liberty of writing your speech for you. When they ask you for the toast, just say all this.”

Papyrus took the notecards. “Thank you. How did you write this so quickly?”

“I used a shortcut.”

“You mean like SparkNotes?”

“Yeah.”

As he thumbed through the speech, his eyes widened in horror. “Sans, I can’t say this speech! I didn’t meet Undyne at a club called ‘Stinky Farts Anonymous’!”

“Oh, really? Whoops,” Sans said. “That’s what I’ve been telling everyone since I got here.”

Papyrus grabbed Sans by the front of his suit, his face strained, looking all the world like a green fish who was told by a cartoon yellow sponge that his drink had been tampered with in an episode about an April Fool’s joke. “YOU **_WHAT_**?”

“Should I have said the ‘Bill Clinton texting club’?”

Papyrus put Sans back on the ground and dropped all the notecards on the ground in despair. Flowey was gone. Sans was Sans. This night was a disaster and he knew it.

A chorus of fake laughter erupted; Papyrus followed the sound and found Undyne, trapped by some greasy pseudo-relatives.

“There’s the lucky guy!” said one of them. Papyrus didn’t know it was possible for fish to have mustaches. “We were just about to say we haven’t seen you kiss her all night!”

“K-kiss?!?!” Papyrus squawked.

“Well!” Undyne said. “He has no lips, you see!”

“He does, actually,” Sans said. He gave Papyrus a pair of wax candy lips. “They’re his special smooching lips.”

Undyne shot Sans a look that said I Will Bury You. Papyrus gave the relatives a look of I Definitely Am Comfortable and Okay With This. Sans gave Undyne a look that said Thank You For Subscribing to YourBill, The Hourly Bill Clinton Texting Service.

“Well! Yes!” Papyrus said. He gingerly took the wax lips from Sans and pressed them to Undyne’s cheek. “Mwah! All done!”

The crowd booed. “C’mon! Give her a real smooch!” Someone shouted.

Undyne squeezed her eyes shut, as if knowing she would have to face this possibility when she asked Papyrus to be her Fake Heterosexual Date. She grabbed Papyrus by the shoulders, shoved the wax lips onto his face, and pressed her teeth really hard against them. The wax lips shattered instantly. “Wow!” she said, smacking his Bone Ass. “Great heterosexual smooch!”

Yet the crowd remained unconvinced. A few were squinting at them in disgust.

“Say,” said the fish person with the mustache, “you didn’t tell us about your first date.”

“It-- uh, it was--” Papyrus said.

“Right after they met at Stinky Farts Anonymous,” Sans said, immediately.

“Yes! Of course! How could we forget!” Undyne said, boiling with rage the likes of which Papyrus hadn’t seen since Flowey. “And then we got food! Like dating people do!”

“What food?” asked Mr Mustache.

“Quiche!” Undyne shouted, at the exact same moment Papyrus shouted: “Fish sticks!”

Silence. “I mean, quiche. Easy to get them confused,” Papyrus said.

Beads of sweat formed on Papyrus’s forehead. He didn’t think this was possible.

“And you paid for the date, like a gentleman?” asked the Mustache Fish Man.

“Of course! As the inventor of snow, I am quite loaded from all my Snow Banks!”

“What?” Sans said. “You didn’t invent snow.”

“You’re completely right!” Papyrus said, sweating harder. “I mean, wrong!” Lies were not his forte. “I mean…”

Several people were squinting now, unconvinced. Undyne was trembling. Papyrus only had one thought in his mind-- only one last ploy.

“Do you believe in love at first sight???” he said nervously. “Or do I have to walk by again?”

Suddenly, a sound rang out. It sounded like a chorus of angels to Papyrus, his saving grace, but really it sounded like a fish thumping against the side of a bowl. “Attention, please!” shouted a voice. “Everyone, please gather in the dining room to the very back of the house. We will be welcoming the host of the party, Mama Fish!”

Cheers rang out. A stampede started toward them, and Papyrus braced himself for an impact that never came. When he opened his eyes, he and Sans were sitting with Undyne at the head of one of many giant dining room tables.

Undyne immediately grabbed Sans by the necktie. It popped off, being a clip-on. “What the hell are you doing?!”

“I can’t resist crashing a fancy shindig,” Sans said, winking.

“I slipped an invitation under your door, you nincompoop!” Undyne said. “Which I regret immensely!”

“I was very careful to ignore it so I could crash the party,” Sans said.

Once the last of the many guests had been seated, waiters started to bring food and drinks around. To Papyrus’s surprise, nobody started to eat yet. As if sensing his confusion, Undyne said: “They’re waiting for the toast.”

Before another exhausting toast joke could be made, the room started to tremor. Plates rattled. Chandeliers shook. Papyrus held onto his chair to avoid falling off. It suddenly smelled a lot like sushi.

At the very front of the room, from an olympic-sized pool of water surfaced a fish bigger than Papyrus thought was possible. Its fish lips, locked in an eternal kissy shape, were the size of two trains snuggling; its fish eyes, observing everyone with relentless scrutiny, were as large as the moon. She didn’t look unlike the Billy Big Mouth Bass singing fish that Sans kept regifting unsuccessfully, except huge. If this was the size of her head, Papyrus could only wonder how big was the rest of her.

“EVERYONE!” boomed Mama Fish. Her voice was deep and all-encompassing. “I THANK YOU ALL FOR ATTENDING TONIGHT!”

The room roared with applause, but with a mere wave of Mama Fish’s fin, it silenced. “IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER, UNDYNE, HAS FINALLY BROUGHT A BOYFRIEND THIS YEAR.”

Papyrus could feel everyone looking at him-- but not in the way he had always wanted. He tried his hardest to smile and wave.

“A SKELETON?” Mama Fish said, looking at Papyrus for the first time. “YOU ARE DATING A SKELETON?”

“Yeah!” Undyne shouted. She grabbed Papyrus and yanked him close. “I’m dating the HECK out of him!”

Mama Fish considered them for a moment, then shrugged it off. “ REGARDLESS. I, TOO, AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT I HAVE BROUGHT A DATE THIS YEAR AS WELL!”

Everyone gasped, including Undyne. She looked at Papyrus. “Mama Fish has never had a boyfriend or husband or anything!”

“But she birthed you and like most of the people in this room, didn’t she?” Sans asked.

“Yeah, so?”

Before they could finish their conversation, a spotlight shone at a door in the back of the room. For a moment, nobody came. Then, all at once, the doors burst open with lights and song and Papyrus’s jaw dropped clean off again.

“Hello, darlings!” shouted Mettaton, wearing a gown somehow suited to his boxy body. Some unhappy catlike monster in a fast food outfit rolled out a red carpet for Mettaton to roll in on. “I do love being fashionably late, as always!”

“Mettaton?!” Undyne shouted. “You can’t date my Mom!”

“Nonsense!” Mettaton said, as Papyrus wondered how this was less weird than dating a skeleton. “Why, there’s literally no star bigger than me except for darling Mama Fish!”

“OH, MY TINY, DARLING METAL LOVER. YOU FLATTER ME,” boomed Mama Fish.

Papyrus felt like he had stepped into an alternate reality. He looked at Sans for guidance, but found that he had somehow, against all odds, fallen asleep.

“Thank you all for your hospitality! Thank you!” Mettaton called out, collecting all the flowers being thrown at him. “I am so honored to be here tonight! However...” He seemed to revel in the suspense before he clapped his hands together. “I must admit I have an ulterior motive…”

“WHY, AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE? WHAT COULD IT BE?”

Mettaton’s screen went dark for a moment. Suddenly, he ripped off the gown and revealed he was wearing a red suit underneath. “It’s on-the-scene live reporting of the hottest story of the year!” he said, as a camera crew set up in the aisle. He rolled up to Undyne and held a microphone in her face. “Live in 3… 2… 1! Undyne!” he said. “Captain of the Royal Guard! Friend to King Asgore himself! Keeper of the human souls!”

Papyrus had never seen Undyne’s smile stretched so thin. He tried to look personable, but the spotlight- which he swore wasn’t on the ceiling a moment ago- was shining right in his eye sockets like some giant flaming ball of gas. As if something like that existed.

“Is! It! True!” Mettaton said, accentuating every word, “that you kept secret your tryst with Papyrus until now because you planned to use this party to make an announcement?!”

“N-no??????” Undyne said, beads of sweat rolling down her forehead.

Mettaton pressed his hand to where his forehead would be if he had a face. “My god! The tension! The denial! When will the teasing end?!” he gasped. “Oh, how it must have torn you up inside…” He slammed his fist down on the table. “No longer! My insider sources have told me all about your plan to elope!”

The room exploded in shouts and questions and cheers. Papyrus couldn’t tell if Undyne’s or Mama Fish’s jaw was agape wider in shock. Sans was still asleep.

“W-w-w-w--” Undyne sputtered. “WHAT?!”

“She cannot deny it any longer!” Mettaton said, to the camera. “Why, the ratings have never been higher! The whole Underground is watching with bated breath! And not the baited breath that these fish have, ha-ha-ha!”

Papyrus opened his jaw but no words came out. This was supposed to be a shallow lie but now he was in the deep end. Everyone would know him as Papyrus, the husband of Undyne. Mama Fish would pay for an extravagant wedding and they could live their days in luxury. Sans wouldn’t have to barter with Grillby to afford ketchup for his food anymore. Papyrus would be a household name. They would carve a coral reef into the shape of his smile.

But when he looked at Undyne, her face strained, genuine fear in her eyes--

“H-how did you hear about this?” Papyrus said, his voice little more than a squeak.

Mettaton wagged his finger. “Ah-ah! No, I never reveal my anonymous sources, be they adult, child, or flower!”

“Flower…????” Undyne whispered, under her breath.

“YOU. SKELETON,” roared Mama Fish. “OUR MAN OF THE HOUR. ALREADY WAS I GOING TO ASK YOU TO MAKE A TOAST. NOW I MERELY ASK YOU ONE QUESTION: IS IT TRUE?”

Slowly, Papyrus stood. The only thing that stopped his legs from shaking was his suit being too tight to allow it. He looked to Undyne for guidance, but she looked helpless. When he looked out at the crowd, he saw nothing but hungry stares-- people who cared only for gossip, not the people involved. People who had been speaking over Undyne since she was born. People who had never once congratulated Undyne on her accomplishments. Anyone else she would shake off with a middle finger and a noogie, but these people- especially the giant fish glaring directly at them- seemed to matter to her.

Papyrus would never be able to understand. His only family was comatose in his mashed potatoes. He never thought of the ramifications of embarrassing himself or others, not when he knew people already laughed at he and Sans behind their backs.

The cameras were trained directly on his face. The microphone was so close that, if he had lips, they would be right against it. He willed himself the power to form a sentence. He opened his mouth to speak.

“I’m sorry, but this--”

But yet another plot-convenient interruption interrupted Papyrus, this time in the form of an explosion of gold and glass. It took Papyrus several moments to piece together what happened; Mama Fish cried out in pain, the room was cast in shadows, an oddly familiar laugh rung out from where a large chandelier had been just a moment ago, right above Mama Fish’s head.

“You IDIOTS!” Flowey shouted. His roots dug into the ceiling, leaving him swaying like a noose. His knife-like teeth still had bits of jagged metal gleaming within. “Your precious ‘Mama Fish’ is the ONLY one of you I haven’t slaughtered! And that changes TODAY, when I--”

“FLOWERY!” Papyrus called, cupping his hands around his mouth. “Be careful!! It’s dangerous up there!”

“SHUT UP!!!” Flowey yelled back. He tried his hardest to regain his Cool Villain composure. “You idiots! Today, I’ll flay her alive and leave the Underground devast--”

“Hurry and get down from there!” Papyrus said, undeterred. “Someone just dropped a chandelier on Mama Fish from up there!”

“That was me, you idiot!!!!”

His hands slowly fell to his side in confusion. Why in the world would Flowery drop a chandelier on Mama Fish? They were friends!

“Is this part of our plan to fake the date?” Papyrus called out.

“Your what?” Undyne said. She looked at Flowey again. “Is that your Babylonian Breathing Flower?”

“Oh, FORGET ABOUT IT!” Flowey screamed. It alarmed Papyrus how quickly he could shift between ‘child asking for ice cream’ and ‘angsty teen who just lost a video game’. Flowey tightened his roots in the ceiling and tugged, cracks digging deep. He jumped free as a massive stone slab gave way and hurtled toward Mama Fish’s delicate head like a meteor crashing down to Earth.

“NGAAAAAH! THAT’S IT!” Undyne shouted. She kicked off her heels, muttering an apology to Sans for accidentally lodging them both in his eye sockets, and leapt toward the stone with all her might. It all felt like it happened in slow motion. Mama Fish flailing, shards of glass lodged in her gorgeous scales, the stone only feet away from crushing her. Papyrus gasping, having momentarily forgotten he doesn’t need air. Mettaton catching it all on live TV.

The stone was a meteor, hungry, angry, an angel of death destroying all in its path, but she was a fish and gay and stronger than a meteor. She met it with all her strength in midair and slammed it into the far wall. As her body processed the pain all at once, as an enormous dust cloud burst forth and stung her eye, she took solace in the knowledge that Mama Fish was safe and also that move was so totally badass. Undyne stood, brushing dust and glitter off her dress. Then she picked up the stone again and suplexed it because she could, locking eyes with Flowey as she did.

“I was betting on you being a lot more immobile in that dress, admittedly,” Flowey said, unable to hide that he was impressed.

Even though that plan had fallen through, however, water shot in from the chasm in the ceiling as if being propelled through a fire hose, spraying Mama Fish and soaking the guests as if they were involuntarily a part of a Sea World exhibit. Not 30 seconds had passed before Papyrus’s feet were soaked and the non-aquatic guests had started to scramble over one another in a panic to escape.

Flowey, enjoying his slight triumph, seemed to then quickly realize that the aquatic monsters were undeterred by this and also extremely pissed off at him.

“Flowery!” Papyrus said, his inner turmoil roaring louder than the waters. “I don’t understand! Why did you try to kill Mama Fish?”

“To test my abilities,” Flowey said.

A fish monster took a swing at Flowey, but he nimbly fell completely backwards with an un-villainous splash. A crack rang out and another fish monster fell straight to the ground with a solid thud and also a slight splash. Flowey expertly weaved into the crowd and the last Papyrus saw of him was a flash of teeth. A rather large demon from Hotland yelped in pain at Flowey’s bite and flipped the table directly on top of the other 7 guests. The exhausted-looking cat monster who rolled out the red carpet suddenly took a swing at Mettaton and immediately broke his fist. Violence spread through the crowd like a match to dry grass, and Flowey disappeared into it, his element, like any other spark.

“GET BACK HERE, YOU WEED!” Undyne screamed as she ran into the chaos, the heroic effect somewhat lessened by the splish splashing of her feet in ankle deep waters. Papyrus stood frozen in shock, shrink wrapped in his tight suit, helplessly watching Undyne about to save the day again. He couldn't just stand there. This was what he’d been training for-- to capture a fleeing target, to bring enemies to Justice.

But it was Flowery. Flowery was his friend. He couldn’t capture a friend! It just didn’t make sense! But if he did, he might prove he could be in the Royal Guard. He could help Undyne clean up this mess he created. Flowery had hurt someone, after all--

Suddenly, it all seemed clear. Papyrus turned back to Mama Fish, who was still flailing in pain. For mobility he ripped out of his jacket coat, saying goodbye to the deposit he put on it, and approached her as one would approach a wild animal. “It’s going to be okay!” he said. “I’m here to help you!”

He yelped and ducked to the ground as Mama Fish nearly cut off his head with a wave of a massive fin. She was in a panic; he couldn’t help her like this. His mind raced. Sans was now missing in action from his chair, hopefully not sleep-teleporting. The non-aquatic guests were scrambling for their lives and the aquatic guests had engaged in a brawl, which might have happened anyway depending how the evening progressed.

“Hold the camera!” Mettaton demanded, forcing the video camera into the cat monster’s broken hand. “Here I come, darling!” he announced. Mettaton started to wheel over to Mama Fish in a huff, holding a lacy umbrella with one hand to protect himself from the falling water. He extended a very long arm to yank out a large chunk of glass from her side. He then turned to Papyrus. “Darling, can you cast a healing spell?”

“Yes, of course the Great Papyrus can cast a gorgeous-- er, a healing spell!” Papyrus said. He scrambled to his feet and worked side by side with his favorite Sexy (but taken) Rectangle. Mettaton would extend a long reach to remove glass or metal from Mama Fish’s car-sized scales and Papyrus would close the wound with magic. It was a beautiful duo, harmony of man and machine, and unless that underpaid cat picked up the video camera and stopped crying over his broken hand then they would be the only two to remember it.

After prolonged effort, with water reaching Papyrus’s knees, Mama Fish had been saved. She turned her massive eye toward her saviors. “TINY METAL LOVER. FUTURE SKELETON-IN-LAW. YOU HAVE RESCUED ME.”

“Truly, it was noth--” Papyrus started, but- despite the chaos- a spotlight fell on Mettaton and left him blinded.

“It was nothing!” Mettaton said, stretching his arm extremely far and stroking one of Mama Fish’s scales, which caused her to give a feminine giggle that sounded like Cthulhu gargling. “However, there was one flaw in our plan…”

“WHAT WOULD THAT BE?” Mama Fish asked.

Slowly, climatically, the water rose over Mettaton’s head-- or rather, the top of his box. He reached an arm to try to grasp something on the ceiling-- no effect. He turned and looked to find that underpaid cat employee-- long gone. Papyrus gasped and tried to lift Mettaton over his head, but he couldn’t even move him an inch. Even Mama Fish could do nothing, as the water in the dining room tragically wasn’t high enough for her to swim, yet she couldn’t reach Mettaton from her pool.

Mettaton, in his death thrall, seemed to think of only one fitting thing to do. Papyrus stood in a terrible awe as, from underwater, Mettaton played a very diluted version of Taps. As the water reached Papyrus’s chin, Mettaton’s lights started to flicker and fade. He closed his eyes and remembered that, not a day ago, he didn’t even know what the hell a ‘date’ was.

Gravity gripped him around the spine and yanked him like a rag doll. The water suddenly was very far away and Mettaton was floating in midair, water pouring out of the gaps in his arm holes like the worst armpit sweat of the century.

“How tragic,” Mettaton cried, reaching a hand up toward the light, “my Ophelia, rudely interrupted by a realm that will not let my soul pass on.”

“Yeah, about that,” said a very familiar voice, “Dunno the statistics, but I’m about 101% sure that Alphys made you waterproof.”

Papyrus got his bearings and saw Sans sitting on another chandelier, his suit pockets stuffed full of cheese and crackers, lazily casting a Blue attack on Papyrus and Mettaton to levitate them above the water. “Margin of error,” Sans said, “1 percent.”

“Have you no eye for drama?” Mettaton huffed. “Would you just throw life preservers to the victims of the Titanic?”

“Yes,” Sans said, without a trace of irony.

Mettaton considered it for a moment. “Okay, fair enough,” he said.

“Sans! You lazybones!” Papyrus yelled. “Where have you been this whole time?!”

“Rescuing the hors d'oeuvres,” Sans said, somehow resisting the overwhelming urge to say ‘horse divorce’.

“Well, you saved us, so I can’t complain,” Papyrus said. From this vantage point, however, he only could better see the chaos below. “Can you teleport everyone to safety?”

“That would require a bigger shortcut than I know,” Sans admitted. The chaos below had become too gruesome to bear-- Aaron had challenged 10 of Undyne’s distant cousins to a flexing match. The amount of sweat pouring off of them only served to worsen the flooding.

“WORRY NOT!” bellowed Mama Fish. “CREATURES OF THE DEEP!”

As if snapped out of a trance, all the fish monsters stopped their brawl, lowering their fists and/or fins. In a gigantic shifting of water, Mama Fish swam from her pool into the flooded dining room. Her many, many children clung to her side as if in a school. Sans lowered himself, Papyrus and Mettaton onto her back.

“SKELETON-IN-LAW! BE MY EYES!” Mama Fish commanded.

Papyrus thought about telling her that he didn’t technically have eyes, but decided against it. “The Great Papyrus will guide you toward the exit!” he said.

As she swam through the corridors, guided by Papyrus, the fish monsters grabbed every lost and drowning land-based monster and set them atop Mama Fish’s back; the ones she missed or who were out of reach, Sans would grab with a Blue attack. It amazed Papyrus that his brother could turn people Blue so quickly without even needing an attack as a vector; although, he was kind of ruining the heroic moment by saying ‘yoink’ every time he picked someone up.

It was a daring rescue that had never been seen by the Underground. Mettaton revealed a spare video camera that he’d been recording with. Papyrus felt the wind rushing through his skull, his soul shining with pride. His soul then quickly contracted in horror as he saw Undyne, holding Flowey’s stem in two separate hands above her head as if to rip him in half, standing directly in front of the exit.

“Undyne! Watch out!” Papyrus shouted.

Undyne turned her head over her shoulder to see Mama Fish charging directly at her. Flowey seized the lapse in her attention and broke free of her grip, smacking her across the face with his roots. Undyne stumbled back in shock and rage and made another futile grab toward Flowey, but found herself lifted up and placed on Mama Fish’s back just a moment before she was run over.

“Cod damn,” Sans said, “you bass-ically almost died.”

“The flower!” Undyne said, as Flowey stuck his tongue out at them.

“Relax. Watch,” Sans said, casting another Blue spell toward Flowey.

But the magic failed to find a soul to latch on to.

Mama Fish yelled for the landlubbers to hold their breath right before they plunged into the open waters, leaving behind the giant house and tiny flower in a world of blue.

\---

As Papyrus pulled a goldfish out of his pocket and released it back in the water far away from the horde of sputtering and screaming partygoers, all he could think was that this was probably not how heterosexual dates usually ended.

A few of the fish monsters had resumed their brawl on dry land. Most of the partygoers were cursing Mama Fish’s name for letting this happen at her party. Undyne sat staring into the water, having been unable to find Flowey no matter how much she searched.

Papyrus sat next to her, right in the mud. He wasn’t getting the deposit back on the suit, anyway. “Hey!”

“Hey,” she muttered. Papyrus knew her; if she had captured Flowey, she would’ve considered the night a pseudo-success. But as it were, even if Mama Fish was grateful that Undyne saved her life, she was rather mad at Papyrus for bringing his ‘evil corsage’ to the party, which in turn led to the destruction of her house and other unusual party events.

“At least your dress is waterproof!” Papyrus offered.

Without even looking up, Undyne ripped off her dress, leaving her in her sports bra and shorts. She proceeded to chuck it behind her. A lion-looking monster from Hotland was hit in the head with it, but didn’t seem unhappy.

For a moment, they just listened to the bellowing of Mama Fish’s voice as she apologized to guest after guest for their near-drowning. Papyrus watched his reflection frown back at him in the waters. He didn’t understand why Flowey would do this-- but he couldn’t blame Flowey entirely. The only reason he was brought was because Papyrus couldn’t be a normal friend and have romantic, heterosexual feelings for just one night.

“Undyne, I’m… sorry,” Papyrus said.

Undyne looked up, surprised. “It’s not your fault,” she said. “I shouldn’t have dragged you along when I knew you weren’t comfy with it. I was dumb and desperate.”

“Even if it was outside my comfort zone, and also underwater, and also surrounded by hundreds of violent fish--” Papyrus coughed. “Even if all that! I wanted to be there for you!” he said. “Because we’re friends! And that’s not fake!”

She didn’t say anything for a moment. “I don’t get it,” she said, clenching her fist. “I’m strong. I’m successful. I have great friends, like you and Alphys and Sans--” she stopped herself. “Like you and Alphys. I don’t need to pretend to be someone I’m not to impress someone who doesn’t have any influence in my life.”

Papyrus pictured Sans in his bowling alley-esque suit, telling fake stories about him and Undyne. Or the many times that he left so many potato chip crumbs on the carpet that Papyrus couldn’t see the carpet itself. Or the Bill Clinton thing. It was true that Sans was gross, and got on his nerves a lot… but he could never dream of not talking to Sans anymore. Not just because he was the only family he had, or because Papyrus was worried about his pet rock starving if left to Sans’s care alone; because sometimes Papyrus would come home and Sans had cleaned, even if that just meant putting the chip crumbs on top of his pet rock.

“This is just the humble opinion of the Great Papyrus, but…” Papyrus said. “One does not have an obligation to their family simply because they’re family. Family should care about each other and always push each other to do their best. If a family member doesn’t give you the love and respect you deserve, then you should--”

“Beat them up?” Undyne said.

“Well, no, but--”

Undyne jumped to her feet. “YEAH!” she said, showing a big toothy grin. “Papyrus, you ALWAYS know how to make me feel better!”

She ran towards Mama Fish, leaving Papyrus sitting dumbfounded in the mud. For a moment, he thought this all might have a moral somewhere. He caught his reflection smiling back at him, though; at least, if his friend was happy, then he was happy.

He had to stop her from trying to suplex a massive fish, though.

“Wait!” Papyrus shouted, running after her. He summoned a wall of blue bones to block her path. She barreled through, sprinting too fast to stop in time, and skidded to a halt at the base of Mama Fish with gravity shackling her into the mud. She had been turned Blue.

“YOU TWO. I WAS GOING TO DEAL WITH YOU LAST,” Mama Fish roared. “THIS HAS BEEN UNFORGIVABLE. I MUST DEMAND THAT YOU BREAK UP IMMEDIATELY.”

“No!” Undyne shouted. “I mean, YES! I MEAN-- NGAH!” She pointed at Mama Fish, the wind howling. “Listen to me! We were never dating to begin with!”

Mama Fish’s giant fish eye scanned Undyne for any sign that she was joking. “I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.”

“Papyrus--” She gestured at the skeleton, who waved enthusiastically, “isn’t into anybody! And there’s not anything wrong with that! And as for me!” For a moment, she wavered-- but a miracle had occurred. The water dripping from the cave ceiling combined with the glare of Mettaton’s lighting crew had created a rainbow above their heads.

“I’m a lesbiab!!!!” Undyne said with all her might. She realized her mistake and clenched her teeth. “A lesbiam! Less bien!”

“It’s okay!” Papyrus called out. “Take your time!”

“GIRLS!!!!!” Undyne shouted.

Only the roaring water dared to make any noise. The fish monsters stopped midpunch to watch. Aaron had stopped flexing.

“Click!” Mettaton said, as he took a picture. “Sports bras, family drama, flowers… I can’t believe I’m finally getting a headline to top my own made-up summer romance!”

“Is it even summer?” asked the underpaid cat monster with a broken hand. Mettaton smacked him.

“MADE-UP?” Mama Fish demanded. “METAL LOVER, WAS THIS NOT ALL REAL?”

“Sorry, darling, that’s showbiz!” Mettaton said. “I assure you, it’s been the best--” he checked his watch. “12 hours and 38 minutes of my life, but now I have a real story to report. Buh-bye!” he said.

Mama Fish stood sputtering, and actually sputtering and not just doing the fish thing that fish do with their lips. “LESBIAB,” she quivered, “FAKE FRIENDS…. OOOOOOOH.”

An enormous splash echoed in Waterfall as she fell backwards, having fainted. Sans was wringing his underwear out into the lake, Bone Ass on display. Papyrus tried in vain to think of how to cheer up Undyne as she stared in disappointment at the water. Woshua was mopping Aaron’s sweat and sobbing and trying to mop up its own tears. For better or for worse, life was marching on, and Papyrus had his friends and family by his side.

“Howdy guys!” Onionsan called out, having just surfaced from the ruined house. They held up a phone. “Has anyone else signed up for this great Bill Clinton texting service?”


End file.
